“For some, I was mentally dead already”

Before Chanel A. her shoulder-length blonde hair shaved off, winks at you in the mirror and giggles. For the first Time in weeks, and she has the feeling to be able to self-identify about themselves. Chanel, 25 years old, knows that Sooner or later your hair will be. Through the Chemo, you feel so soft as cooked Spaghetti.

With each strand of hair, the drops into the sink, drops a load of her. She determines when she loses her hair, not the cancer. Via Video, she holds the scene, first of all, for yourself. But then she uploads the Video on YouTube. I want everyone to see: she still has control over your life. The was 2014. The Video has been clicked since then, more than 1.2 million Times.

Only hours before, they shaved his head, Chanel had celebrated the first birthday of their daughter with a Mouth guard and gloves, but with hair. She had hoped so much that the hair loss would yet be forthcoming for a while. “Only up to Mausis birthday hold,” she had said again and again. With bald head she wanted to celebrate the first birthday of their daughter. And she had done it.

It was the middle of December 2014, as Chanel knew the first Time she is seriously ill. For weeks she had been coughing, sometimes so much so that she had to vomit. Her skin itched often, she lost more and more weight, weighed only 43 kg. First you came with the birth of her daughter. The was just eleven months old. Maybe the Hormonal changes after pregnancy, or you developed the symptoms only? However, the inflammation values in the blood shot up, despite antibiotics.

Finally, she sat lying to a radio. He looked at the x-ray images, and was suddenly serious. “You have to adjust to a long time in the hospital.” He wanted to say. Also in the clinic, first, there was no clarity. The Doctors spoke only nebulous of a “mass”, which is expressed on Chanel’s trachea. So they declared the cough. No one said the diagnosis according to the. Then a nurse asked, whether the suspicion is confirmed.

“I think it would have been like to be different”

Only through the answer of the doctor Chanel learned that she has cancer. In your medical file she read later that the Radiologist had made the right diagnosis. He didn’t want to be the Bearer of bad news. “I think it would have been like to be different,” says Chanel. “Less casually.”

The Doctors diagnosed a rare cancer of the lymph nodes, a so-called Hodgkin’s lymphoma. Only a few Thousand people in Germany are diagnosed with it each year. Like Chanel, the victims are mostly young. The possible causes are largely unknown. Some studies indicate that Pfeiffer could encourage cal glandular fever, and rotavirus disease.

After the diagnosis, Chanel sat in her hospital bed and suddenly had many questions: How do you say it to the family? Should you conceal the disease? Will grow up to be your daughter without you? Finally, she told her mother of the diagnosis over the phone. Your boyfriend is not calling that brought you the heart.

When she came back after long hours of investigations into the hospital room, it was full with their Relatives. Your friend Sven A. held, “Mausi” on the Arm. The family had a Bad feeling, because on the Station, she had to enter together, in big letters: ONCOLOGY. All stared at Chanel, wanted to know what is going on. Chanel’s response was short: “I have cancer.” She would have told you that.

All of the crying. In the coming days, Chanel thought often: “For some, I’m already dead.” Her father broke out constantly in tears, she wanted to visit every day. “As long as he has you,” he said. She wrote him a WhatsApp, he should visit again when he is crying.

The more your family desperate, the more determined Chanel fought. And your chances were good: About 85 percent of Hodgkin’s patients are five years after the diagnosis. But Chanel’s family distrusted the chances of a cure, and your friend. He had experienced what it means to cancer, had seen how his uncle died of it. Chemotherapy meant for him: death.

Chanel was, however, sure: you will survive. She laughed, all my courage, and felt sometimes like a therapist. She always had taken care of prefer that it goes well all the others. “She was a lot stronger than I am,” says Sven today. “The diagnosis has changed. Previously, she was introverted, the cancer has made her more confident. I am very proud of you.”

“I still am”

The diagnosis Chanel made in much clearer. You decided, in your old Job in a Frankfurt law firm to return. So she wrote to her boss that she quit to become a childminder. Your feelings do not want to hide any longer. In a Blog, public journal. “I am neither dead, nor am I,” she wrote.

Who visited Chanel in her apartment in the near of Frankfurt am Main, unaware of their struggle to Survive. The blonde hair, the petite woman with the big blue eyes are even longer than before the cancer, also the eyebrows and eyelashes are grown back.

Your living room immediately reveals that Chanel is now working as a childminder, as she had wanted for a long time. A game of carpet located in front of the TV, the Sofa is extra low and wide, so that the children can romp on it.

Sven and Chanel in her apartment in the near of Frankfurt am Main

Cross-legged on the Sofa, she tells of her illness. She is a very good observer, and can accurately describe how cancer has changed your life. She has reflected in Detail. Not even your voice is shaking. Only when it comes to your daughter, your tears in the eyes.

About your therapy, you want to have a say from the beginning, she says. As she needed surgery, she insisted that Doctors make a cut in her neck. You have been dreaming for years of a low-cut wedding dress. A scar that reminds all guests of the cancer, you could not need. The surgery was performed, finally, fold over the chest. For this, Chanel took in purchase that your lungs work first, and then re-inflated.

She also wanted to be during the Chemo, as a woman, perceived. You painted your eyebrows, put on a thick eyeliner, her eyelashes were, attended a course in which you learned to apply makeup so that it looks healthier.

Separating themselves from Fears. You knew that Sven “Mausi” loved to death, he had you wrapped, fed, played with it. But at night, he was woken up so far, if the Small had been crying. It was different now. Now woke up Sven, and at the smallest Noise. For Chanel, this was a great relief. She was happy even on the Chemo. For them, the therapy meant the path back to life, not in death, in spite of the severe side effects.

In Sven’s eyes, the Chemo was torture. Chanel was often barely responsive, slept a lot, constantly dizzy and was hallucinating. The watch was for the then 28-Year-old an ordeal. Still he feared that he would lose Chanel.

“Meanwhile, I’m left”

All of that changed when her coughing suddenly ceased. Because that had to mean: The Tumor had shrunk. Since then, Sven believed that Chanel can become healthy again.

After a good six months of therapy the Doctors found no cancer cells in Chanel’s body. An additional radiation treatment, she refused, even if this could reduce the likelihood of the cancer coming back. The risk for long-term damage from the radiation was too high.

Every six months, Doctors check whether the cancer is spreading again in your body. “At first I was nervous, but now I’m more relaxed,” she says. For them, the cancer plays hardly a role in your life.

For others already. For example, it has no Chance at an affordable life or disability insurance. Sven and they would also adopt a child. If you get cancer, the possibility of you do not know. Chanel takes it calmly: “it’s good for me and I have big plans. I don’t have time for cancer.”